Not for the FAINT HEARTED plz :)

John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?" 
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral". John says: "what is oral?" 
Grandpa: "I say Fuck you, and she says:Fuck you too" 
***************************************************************
*The 3 tragedies in a man's life: 
1- life sucks 
2- job sucks 
3- Wife does NOT! 
***************************************************************
*A man is dying of cancer. His son: "Dad why you keep telling people you're 
dying of AIDS??". Answer: "so that when I die, no one will dare to fuck your mother." 
****************************************************************
*"I am your Doctor. sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. 
Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right. The left part has nothing right 
in it, and the right has nothing left in it" 
****************************************************************
*YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped. 
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park 
****************************************************************
*Question: "Why is a waist called a waist?" 
Answer: "because anything above the pussy and below the tits is a waste" 
****************************************************************
*A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like at the 
dinner table". 
The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?" 
**************************************************************** 
*Question: "what's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful, rich 
husband who satisfies his wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?" 
"BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND" 
********************************************** 
On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her 
new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. 
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." 
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?
***********************************************
Why are married women heavier than single women? 
Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, whereas married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!
************************************
An opening line:
Boy to girl: I'll bet your mom is a good baker. 
Reply: What makes you think so? 
Boy to girl: Cause you've got some nice buns. 
============================
Why do condoms come in packs  

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. 
They happen to walk by the condom display,and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" 
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." 
"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health 
class at school." 
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,"Why are there 3 in this package." 
The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." 
"Cool!" says the boy. 
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" 
"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for 
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." 
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,picking up a 12 pack. 
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........" 
======================
Dead Camel

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third 
day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting 
themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks 
pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or 
two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do 
something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see 
yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely 
breasts, commenting admiringly on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a 
huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give 
life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out 
of here.
============================
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:

 Two men were talking. 
"So, how's your sex life?" 
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." 
"Social Security sex?" 
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" 
 
LOUD SEX: 
 
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shriek said,
"that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"  
 
QUIET SEX: 
 
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" 
 
CONFOUNDED SEX 
 
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen". 
 
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX 
 
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - COLD As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - STIFF At Last.'" 
  
WOMEN'S HUMOR 

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the door knobs. He couldn't get back in. 
 
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you.  


HOW DIFFERENT NATIONALITY WOMEN PERFORM ON DATES.

A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend

JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.


INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
Fourth Date: At the court.

BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant

LATIN WOMAN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and
live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

====================

Lady Golfer 

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI 


Nuts about You 

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD 


Strip Mall 

My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day. We were going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed up on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off pulling both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of there, much to the delight of the appreciative onlookers. Patricia Lamond-Stocksick, 35, Lathrop, CA 


Curl Up and Die 

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX 


Pad, please! 

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC 


Ho, Ho, Ho 

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera! Name Withheld 


Priceless 

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" 


Mom's Advice 

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."  
==============================================

How Sex Began!  

In the garden of Eden, As everyone knows, 
Lived Adam and Eve, Without any clothes. 
In this garden, Were two kind of leaves, 
One covered Adam's, and the other one Eve's. 
Were two little leaves, 
One covered Adam's, 
One covered Eve's. 
Nevertheless to say, 
The wind came along, 
And blew the leaves away. 
At the sight, 
Adam did stare, 
The wind came along, And blew the leaves away. 
At the sight, 
Adam did stare, 
There was Eve's treasure, 
All covered with hair. 
And wonder came, 
Under Eve's eyes, 
As Adam's thing, 
Started to rise. 
They found a spot, 
That suited them best, 
A nice big tree, 
Where they began to rest. 
Her legs spread wider, 
And wider apart, 
While thrill after thrill, 
Came into her heart. 
The head of Adam's thing, 
Peeked into the hole, 
And filled her with passion, 
Beyond her control. 
His thing did slide, 
And Eve's treasure, 
Was all wet inside. 
The joy was good, 
She wouldn't let loose, 
Until Adam's thing, 
Was all out of juice. 

=====================


POEM # 1 
 like your style 
 like your class 
 but most of all i like your ass  

POEM # 2 
Im a cool girl, in a cool town  
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down  

POEM # 3 
Kissing is a habit  
Fucking is a game 
Guys get all the pleasure 
Girls get all the pain  
The guy says i love you  
You believe its true 
But when your tummy starts to swell, 
He says 'to hell with you'  
10 minutes of pleasure 
9 months in pain  
3 days in hospital 
A baby without a name 
The baby is a bastard 
The mother is a whore  
This never wouldn't have happened 
If the rubber wouldn't have torn  

POEM # 4 
Guys are like roses,  
Watch out for the pricks.  

POEM # 5 
Smoke a smoke 
Not a butt 
Fuck a virgin 
Not a slut.  

POEM # 6 
Sex is bad 
Sex is a sin 
Sins are forgiven 
So stick it in.  

POEM # 7 
Holy mother, full of grace 
Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face  
Bless his hair that tends to curl 
Keep him safe from all the girls  
Bless his arms that are so strong 
Keep his hands where they belong 
Bless his dick, the one i sucked  
Bless the bed, in which we fucked 
And if my Mom happened to walk in 
Bless the shit I'd be in.  

POEM # 8 
Sex is when a guys communication 
enters a girls information 
to increase the population 
for a younger generation 
do you get the information... 
or do you need a demonstration  

POEM # 9 
Men are like public toilets 
They are either engaged or full of shit!  

POEM # 10 
If guys had they periods 
They would compare the size of their tampons!  

POEM # 11 
Mental anxiety, 
Mental breakdowns, 
Menstrual cramps, 
Menopause... 
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!  

POEM # 12 
Roses are red, 
Violets are corny, 
When I think of you 
Ohh baby I get horny,  
Eat me, 
Beat me, 
Bite me, 
Blow me, 
Suck me, 
Fuck me, 
Very slowly,  
if you kiss me,  
dont be sassy, 
Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!!  

Poem #13 
Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue... 
I'm In Love But Not With You...  
When We Broke Up You Thought I Cried 
But All It Was... 
Was Another Guy,  
You Told Your Friends That I Was A Trick, 
I Told Mine That You Had A Weak Dick... 
I Said I Loved You  
And You Thought It Was True, 
But Guess What Baby?! 
You Got Played Too!!  

Poem #14 
Guys are like parking spots... 
the good ones are always taken... 
and the ones that are available, 
are either handicapped or too far away!! 
================================
Breast feeding 
A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. Dr. Santa examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or bottle fed?"
"Breast fed," replied the woman.
"Strip down to your waist," Dr. Santa ordered.
The woman did as she was told and Santa examined her breasts. He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on each nipple.
Finally he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering from malnutrition. You don`t have any milk!"
"That`s right," said the woman. "This is my sister`s child."
"Well," said the startled Santa. "I had no idea. You shouldn`t have come."
"I didn`t," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second breast."
-========================

Perfect body! 
Taxi driver, Banta, picked up a girl after a day's hard work, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter? Didn't I satisfy you?" Banta asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry girl.
"In your sleep, you felt my breasts and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'What a smooth finish.'"
"Well, what's wrong with that?" asked Banta.
"Nothing, but then you felt between my legs and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open?'"
 
===============

Extra large ! 
Santa enters his favorite restaurant and, while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from Santa.
She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to Santa man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, Rs five core in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."
Santa, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read:
"Just so you know-I happen to have a Rolls, BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage; plus I have over ten crore in the bank: But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my penis! Just send the bottle back!"

************************************************************
ADIDAS 
A woman is picked up by Santa in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with Santa to his hotel room. Santa removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it.
Santa says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.
Santa gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on Santa's penis. She jumps back with shock.
"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
Santa says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
====================
It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.  
 
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history".  
"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'  
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. 

"Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.  
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for  
he 
People, shall not perish from the Earth'"?  
Again, no response except from Suzuki.  
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863." said Suzuki.  
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.  
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." 

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japanese."  
"Who said that?" she demanded.  
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
 
 
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke"  
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"  
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush [Sr.] to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."  
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"  
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"  
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."  
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "California congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."  
The teacher fainted.  
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 
"Oh shit, we're fucked!"  
.And Suzuki said, "Americans, in Iraq 2004!"
==============
CHINESE SICK LEAVE Hung Chow calls work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house! 
==================================
An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm, so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice. 

The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on a full-blown orgasm." 

They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man, and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and the wife is still unsatisfied and frustrated. 

Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. "Okay," he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife while you wave the towel over them." 

Once again, they follow the doctor's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm, and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. 

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him, triumphantly, "That's how you wave a towel, sonny!" 
========================================

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed, and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" 
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' and she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
============================

A groom and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front desk, and the receptionist gives the groom a key to the bridal suite. The whole evening, the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the entire night. 
The next morning, at 6 a.m., the groom calls room service. 

"Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?" 

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service. 

The groom replies, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night, so you'd better get me six fried eggs, nine sausages, 12 slices of toast, and six liters of orange juice." 

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you have there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?" 

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?" 

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?" 

The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit too!"
=======================================

 
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!" 
===========================================
---------------------------------------------
Arrest him  
Hysterical Lady : Hello ! police station ?
A Man has entered into my house and he is raping me right now................
C cann........youuuuuuuuuuu .........Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa .........Ahresttttttttt Himmmmmm.Tommmmmorrow 
======================================
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city, and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. 
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. 

"An ambulance just drove by." 

A few moments passed... 

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." 

Joe and Wanda shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. 

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too!" 
===========================================
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says, "Just don't tell your father. 

"Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." 

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

 ===============================
 =============================
A man once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. 
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the Ten Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon, and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister. 

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind." 

The minister said, "Bless you, my son. Was it when I started to preach 'Thou shall not steal' that you had a change of heart?" 

The man responded, "No, it was the one about adultery. When you started to preach about that, I remembered where I left my hat." 
==============================
 The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady! "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you
do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"

 "Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"

 The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless
that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed
 and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas! The ones that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing practically devoured them."

 "Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower.While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty
and full of holes so I threw them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years,that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste." "I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never
wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . . "The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got there she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asked me: "Sir, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
=================================
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle
lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says,"Hello master, I will grant you
one wish, anything you want."


The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."


Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so
make me pee tequila."


The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass
out of the cupboard and pees in it.


He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells
the liquid. Smells like tequila.


So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.


The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!"


She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of
the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.


Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best
tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.


The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get
two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The
result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until
the sun comes up.


Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife,
"Consuelo grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."


His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.


The Mexican begins to fill the glass and when he fills it, his wife asks
him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raised the glass
and says, "Because tonight mi amor, you're drinking from the Bottle.


Arriba, Arriba!!!
====================

Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

===================
A Phone Call 
 
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They "entertain themselves" for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. 
 
Since it's her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover watches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the conversation. 
 
Speaking in a cheery voice, she says, "Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." 
 
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?" 
 
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband. He was telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you." 
===================================================
Q. What Did The Egyptian Boy Say To The Egyptian Girl?
 
Come Behind The Pyramid And I Will Make You a Mummy
 
Q. Who is a gynaecolgist ? He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place, where most people find pleasure 
 
Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A:Very Large Hands

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
 
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
 
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody
 =====================================
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." 
- Sharon Stone 

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." 
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) 


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say 
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." 
- Robert De Niro 


" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." 
- Steve Martin 

===========================================================
A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. He says,"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife lying in bed replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The farmer says, " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

=========================================================

  To all the ladies. . something to remember on your "ladies nite out"!! ENJOY!! ) 

Imagine that you go out one night to a really nice bar with your friends and have a few cocktails . 

  They taste so good, so you have a few more and then the DJ plays your favorite oldie -- 'I Will Survive,' so you're off to the dance floor . 

After an hour or so of shakin' your goodies, the DJ plays that irritating head-banging music , so you rejoin the group for a rest and another cocktail, or three 

You notice a group of men standing nearby and one of them is looking at you. You look back at him and there is tangible chemistry between the two of you. 

YOU buy him a drink. 

He likes a woman who is not afraid to buy a man a drink. He approaches you to chat and you get along really well. 

When the time seems perfect for both of you, he leans over and kisses you . 

You have never been kissed like this before, an electric kiss and a tingle shudders through your entire body and you don't want it to stop. 

"I don't usually do this sort of thing," you hear yourself saying, "but I've never felt like this before. 

Do you want to come back to my place?" 

You wake up the next morning, and you roll out of bed, half-asleep , to go to the toilet , last night's memories slightly blurred 

You look at yourself in the mirror , make an "urgh" sound. . 

As you're sitting there, vivid flashes of what would seem like a marathon sex session flicker back into your head and you remember that you fell in love last night . 

With a smile on your face , you stand up and walk back to the bedroom 

and see... 

THAT'S JUST WRONG! 

You instantly sober up, dial animal control, and vow to never ever drink again! 

=============================

Plan For Future:

Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?

Ram: I want 2 be a pilot.
Vinod: I want 2 be a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 be a good mother.
Ravi: I want 2 help Deepa.

=======================================

Liar:

A man is dying of Cancer.

His son asked him, "Dad, why do you keep telling people you are dying of AIDS?"

Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom
========================================
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-
piece suit.

"This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, " and I shall hew the young accountant in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

==============================
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" 

"Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" 
==================================
Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go
prepared for some standard questions that are asked from them when
commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony.

Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the
match, for which he was not prepared.


He always had a standard response to the first question. But this
time..... 

Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the
second time!

Inzamam: Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim! All credit goes to the boys.
Everyone work hard for it, especially Afridi. It was tight situation
when he went in.

Without his strokes it not have been possible. He was pulling the good
balls. Also Bob Woolmer keeping close watch on progress and giving
instructions. It's all team effort which pulled us out of big hole.
Insha Allah, we all will work together as team, put in b! ig effort and
deliver good result all the time.

Tony: fainted
===========================
Confession of a guy : My Girlfriend invited me to her house 1 day.........I found her sister alone in the house.She was very sexy.She Told me "I have feelings for u,Make love to me,"I immediately turned around n walked to the front door to go to my car.I saw my girlfriend standing there.She hugged me n said,"You've won my trust !!" Moral of the story : its always better to keep the condoms in the car and not in your pocket .