Budgetary Constarints that might effect you

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM
From: Management
To: All Employees
Subject: Budgetary Cuts

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under the plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans. Therefore a plan to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year via retirement will be placed into effect. This program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. Provided they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This review as is well known to most retirees is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, the employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice but be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If the employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earning for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, an employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company. However the employee may decide to refuse HERPES and acquire the company’s newest system. This system is called AIDS (Automatic Indefinite Downgrading System). The company urges all the employees to get AIDS and save themselves from being RAPED, SCREWED or SHAFTED.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain, that the company will continue to ensure that they remain well trained through our SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) scheme. The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job please see your supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to maker sure you receive all the SHIT you can bear.

Best regards,
CEO