Modern Trends

[1] You love someone but marry someone else.
The one you marry becomes your dear wife or husband.
And the one you loved,
Becomes the password of your Email "ID".

[2] There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it.

[3] Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects....

[4] Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife a kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with the other kidney .

Some Well known Types of SEX:

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shriek said,"that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX :
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - COLD As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - STIFF At Last.'"

PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS NUTS

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (As if THAT makes sense.)
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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Some consolation to the woman!)
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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")
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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the govt. pay for this research??)
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Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)
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An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)
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And, the best for last... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they have bad breath?)
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Things We Can Learn From Dogs

1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
2. Allow the experience of the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
4. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
5. Let others know when they've invaded your territory, but avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
6. Take naps and stretch often.
7. Enjoy your food.
8. On hot days drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
9. Be loyal.
10.Never pretend to be something that you're not.
11.When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
12.Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
13.When you're happy, dance around and wag your whole body.
14.No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and run right back and make friends.
15.Bond with your pack.
16.Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Islamic Pick-up Lines

1. Wanna date? i bought a whole box when I went to madinah

2. Marry me so I don't have to lower my gaze every time you walk into the room

3. Is ur dad a terrorist cuz ur da bomb....

4. Girl when i saw you i said mashallah - then i said inshallah....

5. Would you like to help me wake up for Fajr?

6. Are you a Shiite? Because when I saw you, I said to myself, "She aiight"

7. Are your feet tired? Because you've been performing Tawaaf in my mind all day long....

8.Girl you're so hot, you make Shaytan sweat.

9. Allah created everything in pairs, so what are you doing single?

10. Do you believe in the hereafter? Oh you do? Then you know what I'm hereafter.

Question that beg for Answers

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, whereas married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!

Q: What goes down but never comes up ?
A: Rain

Q: What goes up when the rain comes down ?
A: Umbrella

Q: What can pass through water without getting wet ?
A: Sun-light

Q: What goes up & down but stays still ?
A:A stair case

Q: What has sixty keys but can't open a door ?
A: A Keyboard

Q: Why was Cinderella thrown out of the football team ?

A: Because she always ran from the ball

Q: What disease makes you better in sports ?
A : Athlete's foot

Q: What dog does not bark no matter what you do to him ?
A: A Hot dog

Q: What dog is a hundred years old ?
A: A sentry (century) dog

Q: What fish has the lowest voice ?
A: A bass

Q: What flower is happiest ?
A: Gladiola

Q: What food do chidren monsters hate ?
A: Cremated (creamed) spinach

Q: What fruit has been known since man invented the calender ?
A: Date

Q: What has a big mouth but doesn't say a word ?
A: A river

Q: What is a small laugh in Indian lanuage ?
A: A Minnehaha

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Does killing time damage eternity?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur, would we still pet them?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made
out of?

Day light savings time? Why are they saving it, and where do they keep it?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

For the Exercise maniacs

HAPPY EXERCISING!!
Every day you exercise,you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

So keep exercising.......after all the couch also needs some rest

Budgetary Constarints that might effect you

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM
From: Management
To: All Employees
Subject: Budgetary Cuts

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under the plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans. Therefore a plan to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year via retirement will be placed into effect. This program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. Provided they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This review as is well known to most retirees is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, the employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice but be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If the employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earning for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, an employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company. However the employee may decide to refuse HERPES and acquire the company’s newest system. This system is called AIDS (Automatic Indefinite Downgrading System). The company urges all the employees to get AIDS and save themselves from being RAPED, SCREWED or SHAFTED.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain, that the company will continue to ensure that they remain well trained through our SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) scheme. The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job please see your supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to maker sure you receive all the SHIT you can bear.

Best regards,
CEO

Bi-Linmgual Beauty

1. What did the lonely banana say?
I'm a "kela".

2. What did the green peas say?
Nothing. They just " mutter"ed.

3. What did the potato say when it answered the phone?
"Aaloo?"

4. Where do the cauliflower’s hang out?
In the "Gobi" desert.

5. What are call-boxes for ghosts called?
B(h)ooths.

6. What kind of sweaters do grapes wear?
“Angoora”

7. What is a vegetable's favorite love song?
Love me “tinda”.

8. What did the flower say to its girl friend?
Why do “phools” fall in love?

9. What did the confused egg say?
I don't "unda-stand".

10. Where do earrings go on holidays?
Bali.

11. What do shrimps sing on Christmas?
“Jhinga” Bells.

12. What did the half eaten naan say?
I wish I was “puri”.

13. What did the lonesome potato sing?
"Aaloo lonesome tonight?"

14. What language do carrots speak?
“Gajar-ati”.

Before and after Marriage

Before--- You take my breath away
After ---- I feel like I'm suffocating
Before --- Twice a night
After ---- Twice a month
Before --- She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After ---- She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
Before ----Saturday Night Fever
After ---- Monday Night Football
Before --- Don't stop
After ---- Don't start
Before --- Is that all you're having?
After ---- Maybe you should have just a salad, honey
Before --- It's like I'm living in a dream
After ---- It's like he lives in a dorm
Before --- $60/doz.
After ---- $1.50/stem
Before --- Turbocharged
After ---- Jump-start
Before --- We agree on everything
After ---- We can't agree on anything
Before --- Victoria's Secret
After ---- Fruit-of-the-Loom
Before --- Idol
After ---- Idle
Before --- He's completely lost without me
After ---- Why won't he ever ask for directions?
Before --- Time stood still
After ---- Where did the time go?
Before --- Croissant and cappuccino
After ---- Bagel and instant
Before --- I can hardly believe we found each other
After ---- I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
Before --- Passion
After ---- Ration

Shaadi ke pehle aur Shaadi ke baad....

Shaadi ke pehle....Maine Pyar Kiya
Shaadi ke baad.....Ye Maine Kya Kiya?
Shaadi ke pehle....Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Shaadi ke baad.....Kuch Nahi Hota Hai
Shaadi ke pehle....Dil To Pagal Hai
Shaadi ke baad.....Dil To Pagal Tha
Shaadi ke pehle....Ek Duje Ke Liye
Shaadi ke baad.....Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye
Shaadi ke pehle....Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge
Shaadi ke baad.....Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge
Shaadi ke pehle....Chandramukhi
Shaadi ke baad.....Jwaalamukhi
Shaadi ke pehle....Kuwara Baap
Shaadi ke baad.....Bechara Baap
Shaadi ke pehle....Titanic
Shaadi ke baad.....Mortgage
Shaadi ke pehle....Hum Aapke Hai Koun?
Shaadi ke baad.....Barbadi Ka Kaaran
Shaadi ke pehle....Yes Boss:-)
Shaadi ke baad.....Yes Boss:-(
Shaadi ke pehle....Mere Sapno Ki Rani
Shaadi ke baad.....Chutki Ki Amma
Shaadi ke pehle....Kabhi Kabhi
Shaadi ke baad.....If you are lucky
Shaadi ke pehle....Aao Pyar Karen
Shaadi ke baad.....Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen?

Something about wives

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die?”Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before.
For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect him self, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."
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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled
"It really works!"
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Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
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We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
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My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours
That was only for the estimate.
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She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
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Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
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There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he could go thru hell for her. They got married, and now he is going thru hell.
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A man placed an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
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It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.
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A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said,” If you don’t promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back, “I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."
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"What's the matter, you look depressed."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?"
"She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day!"
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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in